Old-Me and New-Me

Why does it appear so hard to self-transform ? Is it easier said than done ?

There is a time, I am the old soul; there is a time, I am a new thought. It comes so vividly that I need to change for something new, something different. The old seems a burden. But how can I switch towards state-of-the-mind different from the one I am living with?

There was time, thinking a new thought was an extreme intellectual challenge for me. I kept thinking for days on how to be a better, and fresh version of myself. I kept recognizing my context and visualizing my existence into it. I introspected, contemplated and pondered a lot on my capacity to change myself. I did aid my reflection with actionable steps. Nevertheless, after every effort, I felt I am not doing the bit required to change myself. I always feel I am still way-beyond the person I always wanted to be. Sometimes, I feel distracted, and it makes me sad thinking maybe I am not doing it rightly, or maybe I am lacking in the true understanding of myself in the first place.

Whatever the reason, at this time of my life, I believe the hardest thing before a person is to change oneself. It is so easy to indulge in blame, even blaming oneself is not that difficult. I should add to that, taking responsibility for what goes wrong is not difficult either, at least in my case I never hesitate to accept the responsibility if things went wrong. However, as I have often encountered that the challenge to take actions-those will gradually change you into a different person- is a mounting challenge, and the hardest to tread upon. Acting differently from what you are inured is not that easy task to do. Behaving differently from what is so intrinsic to us the hardest thing to do. Quite often, our transformation requires to transform those habits, and attitudes appear so inborn, so personal and so habitual to us. When we wish to change ourselves, we require to replace that what has developed over a long time. And is it easy to go on a journey different from the one we have been treading at the present, maybe for many years?

Not every bit of habit is to be changed or replaced. I have read somewhere that ‘life is sum-total of habits of our minds.” And, it is rather difficult to challenge our mind and lure him to live differently. I can regret, feel enlightened, act responsible, and even loath what I take to be bad. But, when it comes to living differently- that requires earnest, steady and gradual action turning into a full-fledged new habit of mind- I got entangled into the inherent complexity of mind. But even all the earnest effort of mine, there always remains something to be changed within us. I think Thomas Hardy has put it appropriately when he says:

Time changes everything except something within us, which is always surprised by the change.

The development of the habit of mind is not as straight, and the process of transforming one habit with other(s) is also not straight either.

What is the purpose of this all? Am I to make a point that changing oneself is a futile effort? Or, I am suggesting that we should accept who we are rather than to become a person we cherished to be.

I am not to suggest that we should not trust our journey of becoming a better person. But, I think this writing suggests otherwise: we should be sceptical of stories of self-transformation those reach to us. Changing oneself is a cherished pursuit, and most of the time it is easier said than done.

Very few people are the audacious enough to challenge their own belief system and personal set of habits, and remain earnest in transforming those gradually till the end. While the rest of us cherished the narrative of self-transformation rather than experiencing through it.