Moving Beyond-the-Present

The old has become enormous, the new is still to shape itself. The old don’t attract, but it is there to stay. Where to find means and methods to embrace the new wholeheartedly?

What to do when we are stuck up? We passionately wish to move, to walk differently, to go beyond the present self. But somehow, somewhere we are contained or circumscribed. I have always been passionate about progress, and growth. I do have aims and will to pursue those aims. I succeed at some, fail at others. However, at present, I am at a point where I feel stumbled, feel wasted away by none other than my own self.

I still have the same sort of energy, a desire energized with the will to complete what I have started a few years back; I am putting in my energy and attention. Somehow, I don’t feel I am putting the best of mine, I am giving it a hundred percent to my dream, I am all-unto my task. I feel there are points of leakage somewhere draining my energy somewhere else; some old habits of mine creating a great obstacle before my moving forward; the self-developed in survival mode- a cautious sort- has turned into a kind of hindrance.

The toughest thing before me is how to go beyond the present. I don’t adore my present but it is what it is. Despising old habits of mine would not do the service of replacing them with newer and desired ones. Sermonizing myself on it is useless; motivating is not that helpful either. In so many vain attempts of self-motivation, I failed myself miserably. It appears there is something deeper, something visceral, something in the deepest recesses of mine that needs to be changed before any sort of motivation would play a role. The usual self-motivational lecturing is lost on me, to say the least. Now, I need something intrinsic and different. Though I am not aware of what sort of world it would be or how I would entail that.

And, about my imaginative capabilities, I would say I feel restrained by a ponderous stone that is blocking my looking at the yonder side. When I can’t see beyond where I am now how I can move beyond where I am at present? Is it a failure of imagination or failure of strategy? Am I so weak before some old habits of mine or am I not finding enough will to develop new habits to replace the older ones? I am stuck, that is certain; why I am stuck, maybe because of my old self of mine. How should I move from this to a newer self is the toughest part to answer.

The old is there to stay but not acceptable. The new is cherished, but nowhere to find or emerge. In the quandary of self, here am I reflecting on the possibilities of a newer version of mine.